Award or Bust!

Allow me to be the first to tell you -- I won something.

I won an AWARD.

Silver Medal from the Nonfiction Authors Association for Braving Creativity, Artists Who Turn the Scary, Messy, Thrilling Path of Change into Courageous Transformation.

My twenty-one year old self would have been terrified.  

She wouldn't trust this recognition. 

In fall of 1992, my twenty-one year old self was awarded membership in Phi Beta Kappa and had an EPIC meltdown.

Don't you DARE give that to me!  This is a huge MISTAKE!  I am not SMART!  I am not DESERVING!  I AM NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM!

(My dad

I'd have to be committed.  My mom sent me a Balloon-a-gram to cheer me up).

This crisis of enoughness has made appearances my whole life.  

Can you relate?

Over the years it has kept me from making choices to stand out and to push the edges of my ability for fear of being judged.

It said, "See, you aren't as smart/talented/worthy as you thought you were! Shame on you for trying!" 

But now?

Maybe it's my age or crisis that has softened my fear and made room for me to stand out with more confidence.

Fear sits quietly on the bed next to my desk.   

I heard her whisper a few criticisms when I read the award notification.  She squeaked out a few doubts.

But she isn't raging.  She's given up on that tactic.

And thank goodness for that!  

I don't want to stay stuck in painful self-doubt when the proof is here that I can endure (and often enjoy) standing out with my "warts and all" in view.

In my view, the goal isn't to have no fear, but to fear less so that we can take a risk to stand out and discover who we really are